Present like the stars
by Ryss
Summary: One night after finding Hem, Maerad thinks, sees and feels how much had changed since Cadvan found her - and what hadn't.


**A/N: Just a little piece that popped into my mind some nights ago when I couldn't sleep. English isn't my first language and if you should find any mistakes you are free to tell me. After re-reading the first book I couldn't help but write something. This is set shortly after Cadvan and Maerad found Hem and while there are traveling.****  
****The Pellinor-Saga is not mine and I only borrowed the characters for fun, I won't earn any money with this.**

Present like the stars

The moon shone bright as Maerad looked up at the sky, where countless stars were randomly spread out on the blue underground. Back at Gilman's Cot she had always found solace in them when she felt too alone to sleep. Without her mother to hold her when she had been sad or hurt the loss had weighed her down much more. She had her music that still had a special place in her heart - the only home she knew back then.

Now, she could not find sleep and, thinking about everything that had happened since that fateful moment in the cowshed, she felt anything than alone. She had friends; at least she thought Cadvan was her friend. She never really had a friend, and thus had no experience with such things. Silvia and Malgorn had been so kind to her in Innail, not forgetting Indik and Dernhil. Maerad closed her eyes for a second – Dernhil. A new wave of grief washed through her. He was dead, just like her mother and her father. She missed them, all of them, terribly, and it would take time to close these wounds. She had lost a really great teacher who had showed her the wonderful world of letters, of written and spoken words. "Thank you for that," she whispered into the night as soft as she could. No need to wake up Cadvan or Hem because of her sadness.

She looked over the burning fire to rest her eyes on Hem. Her only relative, her brother she had deemed dead. A smile lit up in her face and her heart. It was right to listen to your instincts. Otherwise she would not have him now, or would have lost Cadvan in the process if she would have gone off without him. Maerad wondered if the last bit was true. 'Would he have left me?' she thought uncertainly. Was she important enough to him for him to decide she was worth it and to stay with her? He was her mentor, but would that suffice if they ever had a big argument with no sign of solution in sight? She had no answers to the questions.

The stars and the moon were no help, too. Or were they? Every night she had looked at the sky before going to sleep, knowing these high lights made her own darkness of sorrow a bit brighter. She was relying on their presence like she did on Cadvan's. She needed him to guide her, and maybe Hem, to help her understand and control her powers. She could not do that alone. Never. They were so mysterious to her in their extent she would never be able to use them for the Light. She would not be able to use them at all.

Her look wandered to the grown-up bard. The stars were always there, even if she could not see them. She had let him into her heart and his place would never be lost. Like Dernhil's. He was like a star up there to her now. Still there, but unreachable. Cadvan fortunately only had the constant presence in common with them. She had to count on that, cling on to this tiny rope of hope and believe it. Another smile began to show in her face. If he was at her side forever, she would never be alone again. And now, he was there, and Hem as well, consequently there was no reason to give in to the panic that threatened to overwhelm her heart. The smile vanished while she fought against it desperately. The time as a slave came back to haunt her, the dark days without her mother, she had thought would never leave her.

Maerad hugged her knees to her chest and laid her head on them. Now she was feeling lonely. The tiny rope of hope had been catapulted out of her reach by her old enemies. A lonely tear found its way over her cheek to the top of her knees. The memories she had discovered while Cadvan had looked into her soul filled her with sadness for what was lost and still left her as empty as an old shell. Pellinor's destroyed beauty, her father's cruel death, everything crashed down on her mercilessly.

The panic began controlling her and she saw her ill mother before she started sobbing uncontrollably, as quiet as she could. Over her the stars had not stopped shining although Maerad was now blind to the beauty and former source of comfort. She had learned to solve her problems alone, to keep her emotions to herself, secured behind a neutral mask. Every slip had been a danger, even when the others had stayed away from her most of the time because of Gilman's special treatment and her 'witchcraft'.

The lonely girl did not want her companions to notice her emotions. Hem and Cadvan had enough problems to last several lifetimes, she would not add to that with her own magnitude of troubles. She hugged herself with more force and wished to be peacefully asleep instead of having her inner turmoil. It seemed to her those two were not enough to fill the holes in her heart, to heal the open wounds as well as the old and new scars she knew were there.

Maerad was incredibly exhausted from the travelling sooner that day and the crying equally. It had been a long day; she longed for much needed sleep and wondered how she would find it feeling too tired to do so.

Some meters next to her Hem suddenly began shaking violently; therefore Maerad immediately stood up and ran over to him laying her arms around him. "Shh," she murmured like a mantra to him and maybe a little to herself. Her own crying had stopped while her brother's had just started. He woke up with a little cry looking directly into her still wet eyes before snuggling deeper in her embrace.

"It's good to know you're here," the boy muttered into her shoulder, "thank you" "It's good to know you're here, too, Hem." Holding him like the little child he sometimes was she was reminded what a precious gift life had given them. "I love you," she added as an afterthought and kissed him lightly on his forehead. "I love you too," he muttered while drifting to sleep again. Maerad nevertheless stayed with him. He was enough for now.

She took a deep breath. The panic was gone and she felt a little bit angry at herself. Of course Hem helped her healing process. He was her brother! Even if she just had found him she loved him nonetheless. Family. What a nice feeling. It did not matter where she was. Home was where her family and friends were. Right now it was the moment the siblings shared that helped her realising that. And if you had a home you were never alone.

Maerad looked up at the sky and her lips formed a big smile. The love for Hem was present like these stars. And not only that! He was always there, her heart filled with the sheer joy of being able to have him inside her even if he was absent. In her heart all people she ever loved or met and held deeply were together. Sometimes she had problems seeing that like she could not spot the stars in daylight, sometimes she felt far away from people around her and feared to lose them. Self-doubts accompanied her mind then, leaving out the truth these stars held, ignoring their source of wisdom. 'They will always be as present as the stars to me. Even if I forget about it when I can't see them or my fears overshadow my joy and sense of luck like a dark cloud in the night does with the stars', were her last thoughts before the well-earned sleep gently pulled her into its relaxing grip. Tomorrow Cadvan would find them hugging each other in their sleep making him smile with happiness, while he decided they could rest a bit longer.

**A/N: So what do you think? Reviews are really appreciated if only to tell me you enjoyed my story - or didn't. It's kind of complete now, although I have a slight idea for another 'chapter'. If you have - even better. Sometimes I just need a little shove in the right direction to finish something :).**


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